When I move into a new neighborhood, I’m going to make a tremendous impression. First, I’ll buy/create some pre-recorded sound clips including, but not limited to:

•  Glass shattering
•  A child sobbing
• The sound of a slap
• The crunching of bones
• A woman’s shriek
• Some canned phrases from a child, such as “You’re my not real dad!” and “But Dad!”

The first night I move in, I’ll create a soundboard linked to my midi keyboard to quickly access the aforementioned sounds. I start the nightly routine by hooking up my 7.1 sound system and opening my windows for maximum audibility:

Cue the glass shattering sound effect. The tranquility of the neighborhood shatters with it.

I’ll roar, “Don’t you talk back to me like that!”

More glass shatters.

The neighborhood hears a child’s voice, “But Dad!”

SLAP.

“You’re not my real dad!”, the child utters as he’s interrupted by a primal roar.

“I’ll SHOW YOU!”

SNAP – cue the sickening bone crunching sound effect.

A woman shrieks.

I clean up my equipment and sit patiently at the dinner table until the police kick down my door.

“We’ve received several complaints about a possible domestic dispute and/or violence.”

“Um, well, I live alone.”

The police search the house thoroughly, but find uncover nothing.

“Oh. Well. Er, I, um. Have a good night sir.”

Neighbor of the year.