May 2012
1 post
My Prom Theme
PROM - etheus.
February 2012
2 posts
Tuesday Muse
What the hell ever happened to krumping?
Redundancy
I think it would be hilarious to tar and feather a chicken.
January 2012
2 posts
Bi-Rite Creamery
The other day, I walked by Bi-Rite on 18th and Dolores and the line was out the door, wrapped around the corner of the street.
Next week, I’m going to show up with an empty mason jar and cut in front of the line. Before anyone can protest, I’ll hold up the jar and announce loudly, “Everyone, this is the ghost of Steve Jobs. Please make way for the ghost of Steve Jobs.”
...
Charity
I’ve decided that I’m going to donate my old dress shoes to charity by setting them out on the street in a “Free - Take Me” box.
However, there’s one condition: before I set them out, there must be human excrement stuffed in the uppermost tips of the shoes.
October 2011
2 posts
Halloween 2011
When the hell do we party for this?
or
We’ve been partying for two weeks and it’s not even Halloween yet!
One of my life goals.
To see someone post the following on their Twitter/as their Facebook status:
At work. Just wiped my ass with my shirt-tail. Time to call it a day.
September 2011
2 posts
“Never lie, steal, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie to the ones you love....”
Moving day.
When I move into a new neighborhood, I’m going to make a tremendous impression. First, I’ll buy/create some pre-recorded sound clips including, but not limited to:
Glass shattering
A child sobbing
The sound of a slap
The crunching of bones
A woman’s shriek
Some canned phrases from a child, such as “You’re my not real dad!” and “But Dad!”
The first night I move in, I’ll create a soundboard...
August 2011
2 posts
Moving Boxes
If I wanted moving boxes, can’t Amazon send me empty boxes for free? I have Amazon Prime, after all.
Goyte - Somebody That I Used to Know (feat....
July 2011
2 posts
“So you want me to start doing work BEFORE I finish browsing the internet?”
– Me, 10:30am on weekdays.
Shooting Ranges
Me: I've never shot a gun before.
Friend: We should go to a shooting range sometime!
Me: It's safe, right?
Friend: Yeah, definitely. They give you goggles and those ear-muff things.
Me: Do you have to shoot the targets?
Friend: Um, yeah. What do you mean?
Me: What's stopping me from turning around and shooting wherever I want?
Friend: No one.
Me: Oh.
Friend: You telling me this is not making me want to go to a shooting range with you.
May 2011
1 post
Easter Musing
YEASTer. He is Risen.
April 2011
1 post
Girls
Girl: I liked the necklace that you gave me!
Boy: I'm glad you like it.
Girl: That was the one that I was hoping you'd get me, but I didn't want to tell you because I wanted you to figure it out.
Boy: Your statement just described girls in three seconds.
February 2011
5 posts
Listen.
Is the phrase “Spick and Span” offensive to people of Latino descent?
Entitlement
My worst fear: raising little hellions that have a sense of entitlement and don’t understand the meaning of hard work. As a preemptive measure, I’ve decided to take steps to prevent this nightmare from ever being realized.
Kids these days don’t understand the value of money. MTV’s “My Super Sweet Sixteen” is a prime example.
Father: For your birthday, I got you a red Maserati!
Daughter: (face...
Work
Jimmy: Man, after a hard day at work, I’m beginning to understand how domestic violence might happen. If I had a really shitty day at work and there wasn’t freshly baked pie waiting for me - scratch that - if I walked through the door and I didn’t SMELL freshly baked pie, I would immediately take a flying knee to my wife’s face, no hesitation. Just imagine the crunch of...
kwinfan asked: does "seepgood" also sound dirty to you, or is it just me? seeps ... well...
January 2011
1 post
Unintentional play on words?
So De’ Longhi is a European small appliances maker, most widely known for their espresso and cappuccino makers. Today, while glancing at their logo, I figured it out.
De’Longhi.
De’Long-E.
Yes, the “e” on “Dē” is actually a long “e” sound. Is it a play on words? It might be classified as some sort of intra-word self-explanation device. Or...
November 2010
1 post
TSA
I know that there’s a lot of controversy surrounding TSA’s full-body scans and enhanced pat-downs, but if the following situation happens, I totally called it.
TSA is currently receiving a lot of flak from the media for its invasive security procedures but are unwilling to make any type of amends. They argue that the current security system is in the country’s best interest in...
October 2010
1 post
United Airlines.
I’ve always wondered why companies insist on implementing policies that are completely nonsensical in terms of their own interests and the interest of their consumers. After I missed a flight at San Francisco International Airport, I had to shuffle around my itinerary to get to my destination in a timely fashion.
I approached the customer service, partially in earnest and partially in desperation....
August 2010
5 posts
Christmas presents.
Every Christmas, I’ll buy my kids the most lavish and expensive presents—ones that they’ve been asking for the entire year. I’ll allow them to open them and play with the present on Christmas day, but as soon as they take their afternoon naps, I’ll sneak back into their rooms and steal the presents back.
After I return the presents to the store, the kids should have realized their presents are...
No TV for my kids.
When I have children, I’m not going to buy a TV. Instead, I’ll buy a large Rubbermaid storage container like this one:
I’ll take off the top and tilt it so its mouth faces outwards. I’ll then draw crude images on a roll of butcher paper and paste my homemade abomination onto the mouth of the “television”. In due time, because one of my children (being playful and rambunctious) will undoubtedly...
Disgust
The next time someone says or does something despicable or disgusting, I’m going to vomit down his or her throat. Why? It’s only appropriate— I’m literally disgusted by them.
Wimmen
Singular: Woman, pronounced “wo-MEN”, not “woe-MAN” as you would expect.
Plural: Women, pronounced “WHIH-men”, not “woe-MEN” as you would expect.
Anomaly: Changing the suffix during pluralization results in a pronunciation change of the prefix.
Overheard: An unsettling conversation.
While waiting in line for an appointment at the Genius Bar in the Apple store, I heard something really unsettling. Here’s the context: one Apple employee and an elderly computer illiterate couple.
Couple: We’re here because we need the trackpad on our Macbook Pro replaced.
Apple employee: Sure, no problem. Since your notebook is still under warranty, it’s free— no...
June 2010
2 posts
passdapasta asked: Why do you only post like one post every three weeks? Do you not think about your readers? You snob
May 2010
3 posts
The good life.
I’ve concocted the perfect plan to raise my “children”— the reason that I use quotation marks is because although they will be my spawn, that’s the extent of our connection.
So after I harvest some children, I plan to conduct an experiment about the natural state of human beings— are they inherently good or evil? Here’s the technique:
They won’t go...
Wampercycle, song of the moment.
Best overreaction of the year.
It might be too many zombie movies, but I think I’ve hatched the perfect scheme for revenge. Expect it to hit theaters in the summer of 2012. It’s true, given my unconventional line of thought, here’s how I suspect how a scene in my self-directed horror movie is going to play out, and those with weak stomachs should stop reading now. To make it easier, I’ve taken a first person point of view on...
March 2010
3 posts
Listen to:
Pitbull- The Anthem
Pitbull- I Know...
Expression Exploration
All of us have heard of these expressions at one point in our life or another (or perhaps on a daily basis):
“You greedy pig!”
“You’re such a lazy bum!”
But before a few days ago, I never gave these expressions a second thought. Think about it for a second. “Greedy pig?” Isn’t that a little redundant? And why do we think pigs are naturally greedy?...
Reaganomics in the shower
Jessica: His shower habits were really disgusting! He never even used bodywash.
Me: What did he use instead?
Jessica: Well, he thought that he could just shampoo and let the suds trickle down his body. That would be clean enough for him.
Me: So, could you call him the REAGAN of showering?
February 2010
2 posts
Breaking the Silence
When a dinner conversation slows or becomes awkward, I’m going to break the silence by smashing a bottle on the side of the table. (Optional: You can also let out a primal scream) I’ll look up, making stoic eye-contact with everyone, and continue to eat my dinner as if nothing happened. The silence? Literally broken.
Dear Duke...
Today I was at Wilson gym using the free weights, listening to my iPod, when I was rudely interrupted by a jab to my side. I didn’t think anything of it at first, thinking it was someone that I knew who was trying to get my attention. I spun around, only to be confronted by a middle-aged black man.
Puzzled, I took out my earbuds and he grumbled, “Those yerr weights?” as he...
January 2010
11 posts
A common scene in movies.
I’ve noticed that there are recurring scenes in a bunch of movies I’ve watched— there’s the quintessential awkward and fumbly kiss, the picturesque “perfect date,” the lumpy fat girl crying alone in front of the mirror before prom, the tumultuous break up scene in the rain and then there’s mentally retarded people holding babies.
Yes— mentally...
OU
The Chinese character for “ou,” which means “dent,” is this: 凹.
Pretty intuitive, right?
Modern Art
It’s a combination of “I could have done that” + “Yeah, but you didn’t.”
The Trailing "So..." and "But, yea..."
I’m not sure when it happened and why people don’t get called out on this more often, but increasingly, people aren’t finishing their sentences. Instead, they trail off with “so…” or “but, yea…” And this ENRAGES me.
Here’s an example:
Me: Oh, you snowboard? Me too! How often do you go?
Person X: Well, I’m from Colorado,...
Killer Sangria Recipe
1 bottle of red wine (750ml) (any— Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, etc.)
750ml (or however much wine you put in; it’s a 1:1 ratio) of Lemon Fanta or any other type of sparkling lemonade
1 to ∞ shots of spiced rum and amaretto
Slices of lemon, orange, peach, strawberry, pineapple, etc.
Mix and you’re done.
“Hey, smell my tip.”
– Tyler, wondering if the tip of his Stella Artois bottle smelled funny.
iPod/iPhone Games
Tyler: Okay, so in this game, you're a rat on a scooter and you're supposed to go past the obstacles to collect cheese.
Me: Man, that sounds stupid! Are you serious?
Tyler: Dude, it's so fun though? What games do you have on your iPod then?
Me: Okay, so for this game, you're a farmer protecting your sheep. Aliens invade, so you have to build these towers to defend them.
Tyler: That sounds retarded.
Me: Alright, no matter how cool these games actually are, they'll sound completely stupid whenever you try to describe them to anyone else.
“Dude, dude— should I kick this refrigerator over onto that [random] girl?”
– Me, divulging my ingenious plan to Albert.
She doesn't get it.
Me: Hi Carlina!
Carlina: It's FIVE AM.
Me: Yeah, I know, but guess who I'm here with?
Carlina: Albert?
Me: Yep.
Albert: HI CARLINA!
Carlina: Wait, who is this?
(Albert and I share a glance)
Me: Are you serious, you just said his name.
Carlina: No really, who was that?
Albert: Carlina, it's me!
Carlina: Who is that?
Me: (Seizuring with rage/frustration)
November 2009
5 posts
Lord Cornwallis
Me: Dude, when I have a son I'm gonna name him "Cornwallis."
Everyone else: That's the worst name ever. Cornwallis Liu?
Me: Yeah, I know. Then when he grows up I can beat him for having such a stupid name.