When I move into a new neighborhood, I’m going to make a tremendous impression. First, I’ll buy/create some pre-recorded sound clips including, but not limited to:
- Glass shattering
- A child sobbing
- The sound of a slap
- The crunching of bones
- A woman’s shriek
- Some canned phrases from a child, such as “You’re my not real dad!” and “But Dad!”
The first night I move in, I’ll create a soundboard linked to my midi keyboard to quickly access the aforementioned sounds. I start the nightly routine by hooking up my 7.1 sound system and opening my windows for maximum audibility:
Cue the glass shattering sound effect. The tranquility of the neighborhood shatters with it.
I’ll roar, “Don’t you talk back to me like that!”
More glass shatters.
The neighborhood hears a child’s voice, “But Dad!”
SLAP.
“You’re not my real dad!”, the child utters as he’s interrupted by a primal roar.
“I’ll SHOW YOU!”
SNAP – cue the sickening bone crunching sound effect.
A woman shrieks.
I clean up my equipment and sit patiently at the dinner table until the police kick down my door.
“We’ve received several complaints about a possible domestic dispute and/or violence.”
“Um, well, I live alone.”
The police search the house thoroughly, but find uncover nothing.
“Oh. Well. Er, I, um. Have a good night sir.”
Neighbor of the year.
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