I’ve concocted the perfect plan to raise my “children”— the reason that I use quotation marks is because although they will be my spawn, that’s the extent of our connection.
So after I harvest some children, I plan to conduct an experiment about the natural state of human beings— are they inherently good or evil? Here’s the technique:
They won’t go to school. I’ll have the babies birthed in an off-shore location so the government will never have any record of them. No mandatory schooling, no government acknowledgment, not even names.
I will never teach them any form of verbal communication. I’ll keep them illiterate and unaware of the world outside of them; the only world they’ll ever know is the darkness of the basement and the iron bars that will surround them their entire lives. Because I am human and prone to error, I will undoubtedly slip up and use English while interacting with them. To remedy this, for ever word of English that I use, I will speak absolute gibberish for five minutes to addle their brains, ridding them of any type of civilized communication they may have gleaned. Of note, the gibberish will be accompanied with nonsensical hand gestures (but inconsistent hand gestures) so the semiotic link between gibberish and its relevant associations will be lost on the child.
Every so often, I will enter the lair and seizure across the room, shrieking gibberish and contorting my body in seemingly impossible ways. This will be their constant— this will be how I socialize my children. Any emulation by the children will be rewarded with a raw piece of meat.
I will carry on with my life normally, relating and talking to others about “the children” and how much of a “nuisance” they can be, all the while chuckling heartily and acting like “I know”. When others bring their children to my house, I’ll welcome them with the most genuine hospitality, hinting that my children are downstairs in the basement and that they’re ready to play.
Imagine the shock when Little Tommy and Sara walk in to the basement and witness my children seizuring across the room while shrieking gibberish with dried blood on their lips. I rejoice silently.
For the next twenty years, I will conduct research on my children— human beings that have only ever received nonsense socialization. It will be then that I release my findings to the public, settling the age-old Locke vs. Hobbes debate once and for all. I win the Noble Peace Prize, Time Magazine chooses me as “Man of the Year”, I become the emperor of a massive but obscure planet. Life was worth living. It was a good life.
